Story From Steph

Steph contacted me last week, with her story and as you can see Steph has been through a lot. Steph had a concern and that is she is not the best at spelling nor punctuation. I explained that it is ok not to be the best at spelling or writing that I too suffer with dyslexia and that I wont be editing or spell checking anyone's story that this story has to be real it has to be how she wrote it so that someone else like Steph can relate. Thank you for sharing Steph! 

My name is Stephanie it is nice to meet you, My story is long yet if i dont tell my whole story it may not make sense to you, i am also not good with spelling or punctuation either i had a hard time learning to read and write i have gotten better over years of practice yet i used to read from left to right yet the words rite to left. if my story can help one person i will be grateful.

             

So my parents got married they where both drunks my dad left me with his friend when he would go shopping starting at the age of 3 the man would molest me then my parents divorced when i was 5 that was in like 1981. at that time no man got custody of there children and not there daughters my dad was the first in maine at that time. my mum did not give my brother up just me i was sexually abused from 3-18 yrs of age. i started to smoke marijuana and smoking cigarettes at the age of 9 then i was 14 started to use LSD i realized that i needed help and fought the medical board to get into rehab because they all thought you could not get addicted to LSD i won and convinced the medical board to let me in then i had to fight my dad cause he did not want to lose his state check for a month.



I then graduated high school
in 3 years in stead of 4 years i was depressed all the time felt worthless to me and anyone around me at the age of 19 i had a baby boy got to bring him home then had to bring him back to the hospital he was transported an hour away the doctors told me he would not live he was on life support the doctor told me after i left he would turn the life support off i stated that i would be the only one to turn it off not any one else i was a wreck at this point. the only full blooded sister i had passed away at 2 months i was like 2 at the time my worse fear was to loss a child and it was happening to me all i wanted was to take care and love my child forever and i still do. my parents told me in time it would not be so hard yet it has been almost 20 years and just as tough as when it all happened they lied. after he passed drugs became me i was really bad and drugs was never my thing. i started to become a cutter and cut myself not to kill myself yet i believed it took my mind off it yet it never did i stopped cutting on my own yet like 2 years later. the test came back from my son i passed a bad gene to him and when the doctor cut the umbilical cord his bad gene kicked in he died of an inborn error of metabolism which caused his liver to turn into complete fat in 4 days the doctors stated if i had more children 1 in 4 boys would live and 3 out of 4 girls would live. i was put on all kinds of medicine. i started meds after rehab. then they put me on 14 different meds 2 was for pain i have a genetic disorder i was born with spondylolthisis and just found out like 3 years ago. when i was 14 i was hit by a full size pick up truck on a cross walk that caused me my pain. i did not think i was worth anything and was with 2 men who made me feel like a prisoner in my own home and got beat up lots was with my son who passed for like 7 years then i meet my second sons father he was the same only way worse yet i seeked my own help never was ordered to get help i wanted to better myself and try and understand everything thats happened to me in life after my first son passed i was mad angry hated myself and most of all i hated god i was brought up going to church yet i was angry and hurt how could he take my son when all i ever wanted to do is have children and love them the way children need love i didnt understand why why me yet he lets families and girls have children when they didnt want them give them up throw them away give them to men for drugs why me why not them. it took many many moons to understand it was not god who took my son it was because i have a bad gene it was me that made me feel horrible about myself. i needed help i needed to talk to someone and have help to understand these things. then in 2000 i had my second son when the doctors told me i was having another boy i had to have meds increased i was a mess and they where worried the stress would affect the baby.

In 2012 0r 2013 i put
my big girl panties on and decided to leave my second sons father the control the abuse living in prison in my own place he got into drugs really bad and has been in and out of prison the whole time we where together and he controlled me from prison i felt my worth was shit i didnt think i was good enough to have the right person love me at all. from being sexually abused i got an std really young. thank god there is meds to help it and control it im grateful for that. after i took back my life from my ex i started to feel like i was taking my life back a little at a time yet i felt lost and alone even though my second child stephen did live and he is a great young man that im proud i can say what i been through in my life i raised a great young man with an amazing head on his shoulders wow i did that what a feeling what a great feeling to have i felt very clouded by all the meds i had been on for over 20 years my new and great friends told me they are not good for you get off them learn to love life and to deal with life with no meds well i can say the meds to help me with stress and other mental problems was worse then getting off the pain meds i lost my marbles and was lucky to find them again i had to learn to be a person learn how to act as a person all over again now i am scared of people and public places that got worse when i got off the meds i got off one med that i had been on for 51/2 years i didnt sleep for 4 months at all i was losing my husband and my life i got it back yet me and my husband are not close to what we where when we meet in 2013 angers me lots.

i lost
my mum in 2014 to cancer we where never close til she got sick yet she was my mother and i needed to walk with her through her illness til she passed i brought her home from the hospital to die at home she didnt want to pass in the hospital my brother was an ass the whole time never could be bothered and he was her favorite i went in to my mothers room we talked and forgave each other forgive yet i cant forget there is a difference after we talked i told her to go towards the light to stop being in pain told her it would be ok to let herself pass 2 hours later she passed and peacefully   i have a spiritual side of me and some native american Indian also about a little over a month ago i started seeing black feathers in my path i have spoke with mediums before and i highly believe in the other side a higher power then after all these black crow feathers i researched it i started to get sick internally bleeding the crows would hang out in the tree out front for couple weeks leave come back for a day i see more black crow feathers a few white feathers as well the black crows feathers mean a protection thing from my ancestors and i would be guided on a spiritual awakening i tried and tried to figure this out i told people i feel like i have never felt before its a bit scary and freaky and intense so i decided to look up what a spiritual awakening meant i saw the 21 symptoms to a spiritual awakening i have everyone of them and my mother has passed yet she is still here i feel her i feel her the same as when she was still alive im not scared of this it is comforting yet intense i spoke with a nostic  priest he is helping me to get the message im being sent and to help guide me help me help my mother or ancestors guide me on this spiritual awakening. i go outside no wind or breeze at all the swing i have in the tree swings yet only when im outside at nite intense yet im not scared im in bracing it i want to understand this i want to know my purpose here on this earth while im alive i feel a strong need to help children and the world to be a better place i want to help people in need i had to over come my fears i go into public and go around people now its hard yet if i dont help to fix my fears it will never happen and people dont understand you have to do it on your time not theres its your pace not theres that angers me they try to understand to what they want to yet they dont get it at all. i am now me because of me im still working on myself everyday yet come along way so far and im proud and my son he is almost 16 he is also proud he understands me more then anyone thats great im not alone i have never been alone i just needed to find people like me people who understood me like my son does. pharmaceutical drugs are very bad i have a lawsuit against abilify pharmaceutical  company its a really bad drug. now i may have to go to boston mass. to a genetic doctor because the doctors still dont know why im bleeding inside they told me to stop eating meat and that may help i have eaten meat my whole life that has not one thing to do with it at all. its because they dont know and they figure they need to pull something out of there ass... so this is all bringing on more stress and depression i feel like im not sure what i want in life except to help people in many ways... now i found you and maybe we can help each other in these times of being depressed and feeling hopeless.. i

thank you doug for your
story being on facebook im grateful i saw it im proud of you for standing up and wanting to help people.. thank you for letting me tell my story to you im grateful for that hope to talk soon my new friend stay safe and now your not alone....

Doug Leddin1 Comment