Coping with this.....
Ok where do I start, I suppose this is my first blog post since the website went live last Thursday and a lot has happened in the past two weeks!
And I want people to get to know the real me! The reason I set this website up was to encourage others to share their story and for me to share mine and to be open and honest.
Firstly I have been asked to speak at the Mi Mind event in the opium rooms which is next Friday the 9th of September which is an amazing opportunity to share my story with a friend of mine Eanna Walsh but this has become something i'm incredibly anxious about and its really worrying me. I have never stood on a stage before and spoke to an audience let alone 400 people! I am bricking it for want of a better expression!
So what did I do to help calm myself? I sat down today with Eanna and expressed my concerns, my fears and my worries and he has calmed me down, he told me he never knows really what he's going to say until he's on that stage and reminded me that you are telling your story Doug and you know that story better than anyone else!
Together we sat down and we drew up a few bullet points and put structure on our piece! For me today was an amazing success, I have successfully calmed myself down and will approach and tackle next Friday to the best of my ability, three years ago I would have hid and perhaps come up with an awful excuse as to why I couldn't attend an event. This is how I measure where I am at and is this journey going in the right direction.
Last week I moved into an amazing apartment with my girlfriend(Alison), did an interview with Humans of Dublin, as well as winning an award for Best Use Of Social Media 2016 . So things are looking amazing......right? Well not exactly and I suppose thats what this post is about, just because people portray themselves in a certain light doesn't always mean thats the reality!
The last week has been incredibly scary, emotional, weird, exciting, amazing, down and every other feeling in the world and some feelings I cant explain why I feel that way.
Lets start with the award, an amazing achievement and I should be proud but it wasn't the outcome we wanted and although I appeared happy I was actually quite disappointed as myself and colleagues had poured our heart and soles into an other category we were really hoping to win and I know that this may sound selfish but I cant help how it made me feel at the time. Looking back now nearly two weeks later I know I should be proud and happy but at the time I couldn't see that or feel that.
Moving into an apartment with Ali was a very exciting time in my life, my parents were delighted as were hers and we found such a nice place and in a perfect location for work etc, but I was scared and anxious over the smallest of things, could I afford this, would I kill her would she kill me was this a good idea, all these normal worries become so over powering when you suffer with a mental health issue, these normal worries consumer your mind and you day and its hard to address them when they are so overpowering and I am so happy I was able to address them and overcome them to the best of my ability and not let them define me at all and when Ali is so supportive it makes it easier as I can just sit down or go for a drive with her and open up and talk through it and that is why i'm so grateful I made this video back in April and just as happy I have started this website because now I am in the routine of expressing my emotions, opening up and finding solutions.
Humans of Dublin got in touch through Aoife the organiser of Mi Mind and asked if they could do an interview with me (I will do a separate blog post on this as the owner Peter is an incredible guy and I want to talk entirely about him in another post) I was excited to do this, my friend Marcus O'Laoire had done one a few weeks previous and I thought this was an amazing thing to be apart of! I met Peter and we took photos and also composed my story, he told me at 4pm that my story would go live at 8pm on his Facebook page which has over 100,000 followers, this had me in an awful way that evening because I was so anxious on how people would react, what would they say, would I be judged and yet again people were so kind, but it wasn't until it went live I was able to calm down and relax and enjoy my day.
My point on this blog is that with each stumbling block I encountered this week I was able to use tools to help me cope with them, but what I would love to really love to know is WHY there is this dark cloud or black dog lurking in the corner causing me to panic causing this fear and sense of worry at a time I should be over the moon and delighted with life and thats what gets me the most and I haven't figured the WHY yet but I will maybe not today maybe not tomorrow maybe not next year but someday I will.
Thanks for reading :)
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” - Robin Williams